WEASEL'S EUROVISION RUNDOWN
Once in a while even a harmless drudge like me has to let his hair down. Where better to do this on the occasion of the Eurovision Song Contest. This is part of the fabric of popular music. Admittedly it is the polypropelene, itchy fabric, but, let's remember folks, it gave us ABBA.
Here is the judgement of Wrinkled Weasel:
AUSTRIA: Nadine Beiler - The Secret is Love. "People living in Peace. The Sun is shining". Not on me it isn't Nadine. Where I live it is raining and people get drunk and fight each other. Go back to working with animals and reading Elle during your coffee break and dream of how it could have been, but never was.
AZERBAIJAN: Ell/Nikki - Running Scared. Oh shit, shit, shit. This is like Coldplay but worse. If that is possible in this Solar System.
BOSNIA & HERZOGOVINA: Dino Merlin - Love in Rewind. Like it. These people look crazy as well. The girls look cute; well built and the kind you could settle down with. Dino is athletic and possibly their dad. The song starts well but does not really go anywhere. Not bad but not great either.
DENMARK: A Friend in London - New Tomorrow. Dire. The lead singer has an embryonic Jedward hair do. I did not realise you could catch a hair style.
ESTONIA: Getter Jaani - Rockefeller Street. Like the girl - perhaps I should get a johnny. She has the kind of costume that is designed to mask big fat thighs. I like this. Sorry.
FINLAND: Paradise Oskar - Da Da Dam. Young boy, saving the planet. Very touching, but I like a bit of sex and death.
FRANCE: Amaury Vassili - Sognu. Operatic and pretty and more like a movie soundtrack. Not bad.
GEORGIA: Eldrine - One More Day. Gee, this sounds like Metallica with a bit of rapping. Well not a lot like Metallica at all. Not enough to keep Georgia on my mind.
GERMANY: Lena - Taken By a Stranger. Yes Lena sounded interesting enough to win in 2010, but give it a break, love. Obviously a one trick pony and we saw the same trick last year. Not enough sex and death. Had the song been called Taken By a Strangler I might have paid more attentinon.
GREECE: Loucas Yiorkas feat. Stereo Mike - Watch My Dance. See what I mean? With Greek men it's all about ME. Watch my Dance, then watch my face when I only get points from Cyprus.
HUNGARY: Kati Wolf - What About My Dreams? What about my dreams? I have this recurring nightmare that the world is full of shite music sung by girls with shares in Elnett hairspray.
ICELAND: Sjonni's Friends - Coming Home. Bring back The Brotherhood of Man. Yukk.
IRELAND: Jedward - Lipstick. Our two little Spring Onion Heads have come up with a catchy and cleverly produced pop song. But don't forget folks, every time you hear a Jedward song, a child dies.
ITALY: Rapheal Gualazzi - Madness of Love. Well, this is jazz. Effortless, swinging and perfect. Stick this on your CD player as you fire up the Dino and put on the Oakley Nanowire Shades. It won't win because life is not fair.
LITHUANIA: Evelina Sasenko - C'est Ma Vie. Lithuanian, with a French song title, singing in English. Nice Pianist but Evelina belongs in panto, possibly as an ugly sister.
MOLDOVA: Zdob si Zdub - So Lucky. I'ts. It's Iggy Glop! The guy is trying to look very nasty and very frightening, but I bet he works for the Ministry of Agriculture.
ROMANIA: Hotel FM - Change. Well, they make Blue look good, so I suppose that is a consolation.
RUSSIA: Alexej Vorobjov - Get You. "I'm coming to get you" sings Alexej. Yes, and why is your briefcase glowing? On reflection, best not to say anything too bad about the Russians in case they get me.
SLOVENIA: Maja Keuc - No One. Poor Maja will go home a bit disappointed I think.
SPAIN: Lucia Perez - They Can't Take the Fun Away from Me. You'll be hearing this in Benidorm for the foreseeable, but thankfully, not on Radio Two.
SWEDEN: Eric Saade - Popular. Utter Shite. He can't sing either.
SWITZERLAND: Anna Rossinelli - In Love for a While. Pish. Interesting arrangement, but the song is Pish.
UKRAINE: Mika Newton - Angel. If if see another atonal blonde girl with hair being blown back I shall call Dignitas.
UNITED KINGDOM: Blue - I Can. How much longer does the UK have to turn out such utter dreck before the powers that be realise they have to come up with something that is at least fresh and visually interesting? Blue retired after enjoying some success. They should have left it at that. Even BBC radio would not put it on the playlist, which is about as bad as it gets. How humiliating. We only get in the finals because the UK contributes to the cost of Eurovision. I Can sounds like a million other songs that get pumped into the isles in ASDA.
Tips for the winners? Italy would be good and so would Serbia, but since my last successful prediction for a winner was Lordi, I am probably not your best tipster. Before I knew the finalists, I fancied Belgium with their tuneful and fun a capella swing song, With Love Baby. You see, even my favourites don't make it to the final.
A lot of people try and work out what makes a winning Eurovision song. All I will say is that the ones I liked surprised me in some way. This year there are a few like that, but not enough to hook me.
Factoid: Nina (Danika Radodicic), from Serbia, has a band called Legal Sex Department and is apparently big on the Belgrade club scene.